Not the man I thought I'd become
by Pinviini
Summary: That moment was the turning point where colour that had been sucked out of my life by my parents' death, returned. Nothing was black and white, and no person was the villain of their own story. Most of them had been in the wrong place at the wrong time for the majority of their lives. Kind of like me. Or Dick's story from his parent's death to him becoming the second Batman.


**A/N:** I don't really know how I feel about this. I don't have a lot to say about this but writing this felt oddly cathartic. I mean, considering the fact that I can hardly relate to most of the things he goes through. Except for the disappointment he feels towards himself.

I'm going through a phase apparently. Maybe I'm going to grow up to be a better person by the end of this, who knows.

This is in no way supposed to mimic how things have happened in the comics. This is just his story in "my universe". I have to admit that I simultaneously hate and like this Richard I have written, haha.

A HUGE thanks for reading this and yet again, mind the mistakes. Feel free to point them out if you like.

* * *

I wasn't exactly born with this idea but claiming that I was isn't a far stretch. Ever since I can recall, I've always had this idea of what my life will be like. This idea has been squished, shot, laughed at and mocked. Thus, it has changed – evolved - into something more fitting for each passing phase my life has gone through. My initial thought was that one day I'd be the centre of a circus act. The one thing everyone would gather to see. People from all around the world would hold their breaths as I, Dick Grayson, would make the most daring acts on my trapeze. But that obviously didn't happen.

The next moment everything I had was taken from me. Everything I had learned and the life I lead was erased. Luckily these skills I had were found useful to other things as well. I was fast, flexible and strong. A young boy with good reflexes and agility. And by chance taken in by the one and only Bruce Wayne, who to my shock, turned out to be a lot more than the rich playboy people knew him as.

So, I became a sidekick. A role I was very used to having. Being a part of something but not necessarily the star of it; A supporting character for the awes and gasps. Suddenly my life became an ambitious journey to become a hero. The person, who one day could change the world by making it a better place. But my childish dreams were born only to be crushed by the harsh reality.

The older I grew the less I thought of myself and the more hopeless my dreams of changing the world became. Little by little my previous ambition became more of a mentality that I tried to spread. So perhaps one day, instead of bringing down the bad people, I could infect them with my faith in this world: How it could treat right even the ones it had previously deemed hopeless.  
Sadly beating up the wicked ideas turned out to be even harder than beating up the wicked.

The one time I damn near killed someone I went to see him at the hospital. No one knew I was there and as I looked through the small window on the white hospital door I saw his family gathered around him. All their faces twisted with worry and sorrow. The most beautiful woman, with their baby in her arms, cried for this man I had beat up without even once stopping to question my morals. She loved this man I had made to be the devil. She saw good in him. Just like I had promised myself I would. Not only the good in him but in everyone. I had promised myself I wouldn't try to pick the bad apples but remove the very thing making them sour.  
That moment was the turning point where colour that had been sucked out of my life by my parents' death, returned. Nothing was black and white, and no person was the villain of their own story. Most of them had been in the wrong place at the wrong time for the majority of their lives. Kind of like me.

With my new train of thought I gave up my dreams of becoming something far greater than one man could ever be. I downgraded my expectations and applied for the police academy and after a long while, got in. I graduated in time despite still working side by side with Bruce. I got a job from the GCPD and I remember how proud Alfred was of me. I remember Barbara bought me, as a gift, an expensive watch I later broke while wrestling with some liquor store robber on my first night watch as a police officer.

I found stability with my life during the daytime, like which I hadn't experienced in years. I could've honestly said I was happy going on my shift and doing what was right.

But the more I grew as a person the further away I drifted from Bruce. The night in contrast to my day. And little by little this crime fighting in the darkness of the night that had previously been the only stable thing in my life had suddenly become the shiftiest part of it. Bruce was harsh and unforgiving, bitter and angry. He refused to see eye to eye with me and ultimately, we started fighting. More and more.  
Eventually I moved away from the mansion and even though I didn't move away from Gotham, our journey battling side by side was over. I was no longer a sidekick. The Boy Wonder. With my alter ego taken from me I had no choice than to be Richard Grayson, the police officer of GCPD.

The first time I got shot on the job is still haunting me. It hurt like nothing I had ever experienced, and I thought I was going to die. I remember thinking about Bruce as my consciousness faded into darkness but when I woke up in the hospital, he wasn't there. On the other hand, Barbara was. She had fallen asleep on the stool beside my bed. Later Alfred came by bringing the most beautiful bouquet of flowers either of us had ever seen.

I adapted. I let myself heal, which took forever. Only then I found out I am just a human being since nothing before getting shot had been enough to convince me. But from that day on, I was no longer invincible or forever pardoned from dying. And I must admit growing apart from immortality was a cold flash of reality. My sense of righteousness was still there but the world could wait a while as I wanted to live for myself, even if only just for a few months.

For the first time in years I went to the movies, I went clubbing, bowling, to an amusement park and shopping. We stayed in with Barbara. Watching movies and just cuddling. We had lazy sex on a Sunday morning and as I stroked her flushed cheek and she smiled I no longer wondered why someone would want to live a life like that. A life, I had all of mine, thought to be meaningless and dull. It turned out to be anything but that.

Jason Todd. Grinning, talking shit, joking and mocking. Faced a tragedy, parents murdered, and Bruce took him in. Basically, another me. _A younger me_. The final note for me that my life as Bruce's foster son was over.  
Jason lived in my bedroom, slept in my bed and wore my outfit. Of course, by that time all of this was his. All trace of me, wiped out and replaced by that red-haired grinning child. The new Robin.

Well, it didn't matter anymore. He could have my past as I was focused on a new future with Barbara. My steady job as a promising police officer expecting a raise.

Gotham made sure to remind me that evil wasn't gone even if I had refused to see it. I had decided to propose to Barbara, because she was everything to me. I found the nicest ring and I could imagine how good it would look on her long fingers. Unfortunately, I happened to share a schedule with a robber and the sleeping hero in me woke up. The robber got the jewellery and the cash from the register, but no one got hurt. Except for me. I got shot, again. A new bullet hole but this time I was hit in the chest and if I didn't die from the first I thought I'd sure do now.

It was funny how despite everything I still only thought of Bruce as I felt cold and surreal. I could only think of his serious face and cold blue eyes as my consciousness faded.

Even funnier was that waiting for me in the hospital wasn't only Barbara. Jason was there too. Snoozing on a chair next to her with eyebrows furrowed slightly and arms crossed. Red hair dyed a shining black. Just like mine.

I got to hear how cool I had been. Jason babbled on and on how I had taken a bullet for the cashier. He had watched the CCTV footage many times. Later Alfred also told me that the cashier's family had come by to see me and had let me keep the ring which had been saved accidentally as it had been in my hand during the robbery. But I didn't propose to Barbara. Instead I sold the ring and mailed the money anonymously back to the family. I knew they wouldn't have accepted the ring if I had offered to give it back to them. It was an awfully nice gesture from them given that they had lost so much.

Instead of continuing to lead a comfortable life, I decided to turn a new leaf. I didn't want to keep on the act anymore because by then I had realized I had given up on my quest for justice for a very different reason than the one I had given myself. I had been defeated by the fear of my incompetence. Put down by the thought that I was only one person against everything that was wrong with this world. Perhaps even more by the fact that I had once dreamed of saving the whole world when, in reality, I wasn't capable to save even one jewellery store.

I got a cool new suit and a name (Fine. I thought I was cool. Jason? - not that much). I became Nightwing. I felt like I had failed at everything so instead of trying to build a new life on top of the shreds of my previous one's I moved away from Gotham. Away from the past that haunted me. Away from the city that poisoned even the cleanest of souls with its dirt. Away from the woman I had thought I loved.

Instead of being a coward I thought I was being courageous. Leaving behind everything I knew in order to achieve something. I got myself a new group, new friends, a new family and new enemies. The distant dream of becoming a hero creeped back to me as I left my shadow too back in Gotham. My life was good again.

Jason Todd's death. A blast from the past was a daring joke I laid out in the comfort of my own apartment. Something that awoke me from my selfish way of thinking that Gotham had seized as I had left and that everything in there would stay unchanging, frozen in time, just waiting for my return. And I did, I returned to my origins - to Gotham - to find a broken man who didn't want me there. But I fought for my place. I yelled at Bruce and he yelled back. The most spiteful of words and I pretended not to be bothered and cried in Barbara's arms later that night. She was glad to see me back even under the circumstances and she was a fresh wind in my stuffy mind.

I stayed for the time being. Went back to him every day and I did what needed to be done. Accepted the role I was given: Day after day I took the blow from Bruce so that he could get over the pain of losing Jason – the thing he held dearest. I let him mock me and even took a literal blow on occasion, but it was nothing too bad. A swollen lip and an aching cheek.

The thing that got to me the most, was how willing I was to do it for him and how jealous I felt of the way he cared about Jason.

The night I oversaw him crying, I realized why I never proposed to Barbara. It hit me like a hundred knives: I was in love with Bruce.

After one final argument, I left. Told Alfred I couldn't be there anymore. I left in such a rush I didn't even say goodbye to Barbara. I remember feeling so disgusted with myself I threw up on the train back to Jump city.

I have always had an idea what my life would be like. No matter how much had it changed, twisted and shifted during the long road to this moment, it had never been this. I had never imagined I would become so spiteful, so self-centred, bitter and unable to reach my true desires. On the other hand, I knew I had always wanted to do what was right and I still do think I'm trying my best.

In other words, I had never imagined I would be a human. Just like any other person with flaws and distant dreams. Despite believing I had grown up from the boy who wanted to save the world and that I had faced my mortality – I hadn't.

 _Expect the unexpected_ , goes the saying. Not a rule I live by. At least until the day Jason Todd came back from beyond the grave. With him he brought a bunch of unsolved issues beyond fixing. He brought hatred but funny enough also hope. He had been given a second chance. Something I had been granting only my enemies forgetting the people who needed it just as much.

Forgiveness is probably the most important thing I have ever learned. I learned to forgive Bruce and even the person who killed my parents and by doing so singlehandedly robbed me of my childhood. But most importantly, I learned to forgive myself: For making so many bad decisions, for being jealous and bitter.

I pardoned myself from trying to be more than a man. Forgave myself for the feelings I had for Bruce.

Occasionally I still think about the first future I set myself, as a star of Haly's circus, and wonder if I would've been happy settling with that. If reaching that goal would've brought me the same kind of satisfaction crime fighting grants me in the midst of hopelessness. However, no matter how much I think about it I doubt I'll ever get to find out.

I never cried after Bruce and I know how stepping into his shoes has changed me. But change is inevitable. No matter how hard you try to stay the same, your experiences affect your way of thinking. From now on, I just try to make sure that they change me for the better.

 _The door creaks softly as Dick pushes it open. He can hear Damian_ _'_ _s quiet sniffs that silence abruptly as he notices Dick_ _'_ _s presence._

 _"_ _Are you awake?_ _"_ _Grayson asks with a soft voice as he feels talking any louder would break the atmosphere._

 _"_ _No,_ _"_ _Damian mutters as his blue eyes, the likes of his father_ _'_ _s, pore through the uninvited guest._

 _"_ _Are you feeling better? Do you feel feverish?_ _"_ _Grayson asks closing the door behind him._

 _"_ _I can_ _'_ _t answer because I_ _'_ _m asleep, remember?_ _"_ _Damian says persistently but it makes Dick huff out a soft laughter. He sits down on the edge of the bed the younger_ _'_ _s eyes following his every movement._

 _"_ _Sorry. I forgot,_ _"_ _Richard says reaching out a hand and landing it on Damian_ _'_ _s forehead that feels burning hot against his hand._ _"_ _You_ _'_ _re burning up._ _"_

 _"_ _Whatever. Can you go now?_ _"_ _Damian mumbles turning his back to Dick, who just sits there for a while, looking at his back. The smooth skin shiny with sweat._

 _"_ _You_ _'_ _re not alone. I_ _'_ _m not leaving you, you know? Neither is Alfred,_ _"_ _Dick says, and Damian shifts back to facing him._

 _"_ _What are you on about?_ _"_ _he asks a bit aggravated._

 _"_ _I know you_ _'_ _re going through a lot and I just - remember a week back when I almost failed to draw you away from the gunfire?_ _"_

 _Damian thinks for a while and then hums quietly in response. Obviously not wanting to talk about it._

 _"_ _It really got me thinking about how much you_ _'_ _ve grown to me. I know we don_ _'_ _t always get along, but I just want to let you know that I love you, Damian. You_ _'_ _re the best thing in my life,_ _"_ _Richard says smiling faintly as he bites into his cheeks to keep the tears from flowing._

 _"_ _What_ _'_ _s up with you. You_ _'_ _ve been acting so strange lately,_ _"_ _Damian asks a rhetorical question. Dick doesn_ _'_ _t answer. Instead he lifts the edge of the duvet and slips under it landing his head on the pillow next to Damian_ _'_ _s. The boy is frozen with shock as never in a million years would he thought Dick would do that and much to his dismay, Richard wraps both strong arms around him closing him in a safe embrace._

 _Damian tries to slip away after recovering from his shock, but he doesn_ _'_ _t have much strength._

 _"_ _I_ _'_ _m sorry I almost let you die. I will never let that happen again, do you hear me?_ _"_ _Grayson says not able to keep his act together any longer. He bursts into tears, shamelessly as the small body in his embrace relaxes._

 _"_ _I_ _'_ _m not you, Grayson. Don_ _'_ _t act like you know how I feel,_ _"_ _Damian mumbles against Grayson_ _'_ _s chest._ _"_ _I know you like playing this little game of make-believe imagining that I_ _'_ _m you and you_ _'_ _re Bruce but if you truly think that, you_ _'_ _re sadly mistaken. Cause I_ _'_ _ll never be you and you_ _'_ _ll never be him._ _"_

 _"_ _I know, just please let me have this. My moment of weakness,_ _"_ _Grayson sniffs smiling a bittersweet smile before burying his face in Damian_ _'_ _s black silky hair._

 _"_ _Fine. But tomorrow,_ _"_ _Damian pauses and his burning hot arm curls around Grayson,_ _"_ _you get your shit together, Okay?_ _"_

 _"_ _I promise,_ _"_ _Grayson laughs a stuffy laughter and after that the room falls silent. Dick listens to Damian_ _'_ _s ragged breathing long into the early hours of morning before falling into a restless sleep._


End file.
